Could you be a better friend? Seven basic skills

I was talking to my son yesterday and reflecting with him about the social skills he is learning as a 9 year old. I shared with him that some of these skills he is learning can be tricky and that even some adults have trouble using them.

I decided it might be useful for a refresher course for us adults. These basic social skills may be a reminder for some of us and for some it might be new learning. I believe it is never too late to learn a new skill and relate to each other in a kinder, deeper and more honest way.

Seven basic skills to practice with your friends and family…..

1. Look at people, smile and say hello.

   In the world we live in right now, there are so many new rules. We can still greet people with a hello. We can certainly still touch our own family. So hug your family, kiss each other in the morning, in the night and in between when ever you feel like it.

2. If you make a mistake or hurt someone’s feelings, apologise.

   This means saying sorry, acknowledging the error or mistake and stating how you will learn or improve for the future.

3. If you notice that someone around you is experiencing an emotion, let them.

   Feelings are ok, normal and they will pass. Sit with them, acknowledge their feelings. Most people don’t need or want you to try and fix what is happening for them. They certainly don’t need you to minimise what they are feeling, comments like ‘you will be fine, don’t worry, calm down, it’s not that bad’ are not very helpful. Instead you could say ‘looks like you are sad, angry, you are having a tough time. I can sit with you and be here if you would like a hug, share what is going on. Most importantly listen to them.

4. Listen to others.

   This means hearing what they say to understand what they are saying, rather than listening to respond. It is ok to check out what they said and make sure you understand what they are saying. It is also ok to clarify what you have said. This promotes a much deeper understanding of each other and creates a much stronger connection and friendship. Most importantly be present.

5. Ask for help.

   Let others contribute and help you.

6. Thank people and share how you appreciate them.

7. Notice and acknowledge your own feeling.

   If you are experiencing a feeling, maybe you are feeling frustrated, angry, sad, lonely. Share this with someone you trust who can listen and sit with you. Unfortunately they can’t fix this or make the feeling go away. That is your job. It will pass. Find ways to help yourself, your own self- care; exercise, relaxation, reaching out to friends, journaling, a cup of tea, cuddling a pet, read a book, watch tv, professional support .

I realise I may have gone a little beyond basic social skills but for those out there that like to learn, over achieve, stretch themselves or strive for closer friendships, give them a try, practice and learn from your mistakes.

What does giving consent actually mean?

Consent is the hot topic at the moment. From politics to family violence, rape within our teenage community and students speaking out at schools.

Unfortunately for many people, consent is ignored or refused.

Consent goes far beyond saying yes once or at the start of a sexual experience. Consent is important before every touch, no matter if you are in a long term relationship, intoxicated, married, or a young child at the doctor. You may have said yes before, you may be in the middle of sex and change your mind. You can still say no and sex should stop immediately.

If sex is painful, stop, if you are not feeling safe, stop, if you are feeling uncomfortable, stop, if you have too much on your mind, stop, if you are having sex for the other person, stop, if you are having sex because you are scared, stop, if you are having sex because you are worried they may end the relationship, stop, if you don’t want to do certain behaviours or acts, stop!

Perhaps ask yourself these questions:

Do I want to? If the answer is yes this means you are consensual.

Am I willing to? If you are willing to this means you are compliant but may change your mind.

Everything else is a no.

You have the right to say no and be respected in this decision.

If you feel you cannot say no or are forced into doing something you do not want to do or are uncomfortable doing this is abuse and against the law in any relationship.

All genders need to understand this concept.

No physical harm will come from stopping sex once it has started. Yes you may feel frustrated and disappointed. However, continuing to have sex and doing acts you don’t feel comfortable with or that hurt can cause long term psychological and physical harm.

Please watch this excellent video to demonstrate what consent is and what it absolutely is not. For those with teenagers this is a crucial video to watch, perhaps for many adults out there too unfortunately (warning there is some language at the start of the video).

‘Consent is as simple as tea’!

So keep sex simple, stay within your comfort zone, be honest with yourself and your partner, listen to your body and most of all have fun!

How to give your love life a little tune up

So 2021 has begun. We are now in the thick of our year, back to work, back to school. Perhaps already feeling busy, stressed, tired.

Are you prioritising yourself and your relationship as much as you would like or should?

A lovely, quick and easy way to put some love and connection back into your life is with the ‘daily six second kiss’.

It is a simple as it sounds, kiss on the lips for six seconds.

A six second kiss gives you the opportunity to be mindful, slow down and be fully present to each other. It can give you the opportunity to be each other’s centre of attention and be reminded of the bond you have together.

Kissing has been proven to lower cortisol levels (the stress hormone) and elevates oxytocin (the bonding hormone) and dopamine (the happy hormone) levels. Sounds like a great combination to me!

Gottman calls it the ‘kiss with potential’, so who knows where your six second kiss will take you….

If you would like to find out about all 5 rituals to revitalise your relationship click here.

Enjoy your kissing!

Here is some more information about how Prue can support you and your relationship.

The What, Why and How of our reactions to the new world we find ourselves in...

The WHAT…..

We are all experiencing a range of emotions, behaviours, physical symptoms and reactions to the effects of Covid- 19 is having on our lives.

-          Fear of illness or death

-          Rapid changes in every part of our lives

-          Uncertainty over social and economic future.

-          Feelings of loneliness and isolation

-          Anxiety of all kinds

-          Panic about the future

-          Feelings of powerlessness and hopelessness and a lack of control

These are just some examples of what you may feel, some people may be experiencing all of these, some will come and go, some you may not experience at all.

The WHY….

The types of anxieties that are heightened at the moment fall into 2 categories- health and existential.

Health anxiety is reacting to real fear for our health and the health of our loved ones and to the health of humankind.

The result of this anxiety is our natural instinct taking over to protect us, a fight or flight response. This response is in fact required at the moment, following health rules to protect us and others.

However, constant or compulsive researching or checking social media will result in more anxiety, leading to ‘what if’, leading to checking body symptoms, then increased body changes to stress causing more alarm, causing our minds and body to be overstimulated to stress. This makes it harder to think rationally and reduces our ability to calm ourselves and allow our bodies and mind to rest.

BREATHE….. there is help on the way, read on!

The second type of anxiety is existential, meaning an innate fear of our uncertain future. This can lead to intense and spirally anxiety and rapidly spinning thoughts that we have no control over. Exasperated by the media’s love of sharing the extremes of each situation and further catastrophising what the future may hold.

It is very possible to become addicted to listening and checking the news and social media. Getting information and facts can give us a false sense of security, control and reassurance, leading to more checking and watching.

Grief and Loss

Many people will begin to go through the stages of grief, for most people, in the form of anticipatory grief of what will or might be lost or changed, actual loss of loved ones and our normality.

People may start to move through the stages of grief, such as

-          denial (this virus is just like a cold)

-          anger (why is this happening to me, I want my life back)

-          bargaining (Ok, if I social distance for 2 weeks then my life will return to normal)

-          sadness (Will I be ok, will my family survive)

-          acceptance (this is happening, I have to figure out how to proceed)

-          meaning (What do I want now and in the future?).

These stages are not linear, people can move in and out of stages, some people may get stuck at certain stages.

And now for the HOW to help…..

1.       Interrupt your worries, interrupt the cycle.

Identify what you can control and practice accepting the rest.  I find The Serenity Prayer very useful in trying times:

‘Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the strength to change the things I can change and the wisdom to know the difference.’

Take a break from the news and social media, meditate or listen to some relaxation music. I find the Honest Guys on YouTube very effective.

Exercise

Go outside or change your environment.

Play with your pet.

Identify what you are grateful for and what gives you feelings of hope.

Create a time in the day that is your designated worry time, put a time limit on this period of the day. You may even like to put your worries into a worry jar or give them to a ‘worry doll’.

2.       Maintain a routine

This routine will be different to your normal routine

Your expectation will need to change and be reduced

I have heard the term ‘soft routine’- meaning your routine needs to be flexible but having some sense of structure will help.

Eat regular meals, however always good to check in with your body to see if you are hungry or bored or stressed rather than hungry!

Engage in enjoyable activities with others in your household or virtually.

Plan and act on a doable project that will give you purpose, hope and achievement.

Check in with others.

3.       Combat loneliness and isolation

Remember: We are all in this together

Stay connected to friends, family and colleagues.

Set a goal of minimum phone or video contact each day. Think about what you may like to talk about.

Reach out to others who may need assistance or support.

A beautiful initiative is #TheKindnessPandemic that has been created to share caring acts and read about positive, hopeful messages.

4.       Accept and find meaning

This is our reality right now, it will pass but for now we cannot control this virus. Accept your limitations.

Give yourself permission to feel.

What do you want now and in the future?

What can you do to make this happen?

You can wash your hands, you can stay at home, you can keep yourself and others safe. You can help others. You can show kindness.

‘When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves’ Viktor Frankl  

I hope this has been helpful and brings some peace and calm to your lives.

Remember to reach out to your support network if you are not ok.

Lifeline is available 24 hours a day.

I am offering online sessions if you need professional support.

Take Care.

References

Psychotherapy and Counsellors Federation of Australia (PAFCA)

How should I talk to my children about sex?

Most children by the age of 10 have either heard comments about sex, seen images or are curious about what sex is and what it means to them. This is normal!

Sex is an act shared by 2 consenting people for the purpose of creating a baby, experiencing pleasure or sharing love and care between 2 people.

Sex is supposed to be enjoyable, pleasurable, respectful, fun, loving and caring for BOTH people

Some tips that may help

1. Be honest, in an age appropriate way

2. Call the body parts by their correct name

3. Share how you are feeling- embarrassed, silly, shy, proud of their maturity

4. Talking about sex or requesting information about sex does NOT lead to having sex, it can actually have the opposite result! Information is powerful and allows children to make informed decisions that are right for them.

5. Start with short informal chats, allow children to ask questions, time to think and reflect and share what they think and feel.

6. Compile a list of trusting adults they could ask for advice as they grow.

7. Remind children frequently to listen to their bodies and if they can sense something is not right or they don’t feel comfortable with a person or a situation they always have the right to say no at any time and leave the situation and person and share this with one of their trusted adults.

8. The aim of beginning talking to your children is to empower them and build an open trusting relationship with them. This will take time and patience. The earlier the better. By the time they are teenagers hopefully you and them will feel less embarrassed and uneasy. In saying that, it is never too late to start the conversation.

9. Never be judgemental, stay calm and listen to them. Sometimes some breathing space is vital and come back to the conversation at a later time.

Good luck!

If you have found this blog helpful you may want to join my group called The Sex Ed Group where you can ask questions in a safe and non judgemental space. Click here for more information:

How do I help someone who is contemplating suicide?

I realise this is a very sad and morbid topic but with the ever rising rates of attempted suicide, particularly in children and sadly successful suicides it is something that needs to be talked about.

This is a very scary topic and if a person comes to you with this conversation it is tempting to try and make them feel better, down play how bad they are feeling and try and 'cheer them up'. 

However, the best support you can give someone is to listen and take them seriously. Statements like; 'I hear you are finding life really hard, I am glad you have talked to me, how can I help you?', are supportive ways to show the person in need you are listening to them, not judging them and are there to help.  

Having a conversation about suicide and letting someone talk about how they are feeling, what they are thinking and even how they are planning to end their life WILL NOT make them more likely to suicide.

Another crucial line of support is offering for the person to call you anytime and commit to calling you before they put their plan into action.

ALWAYS REMEMBER once a person has reached this level of desperation professional help is required and you cannot help them on your own, not just because the need for help is greater than you can offer but it is too much pressure for friends and family only. Your job is to be there whenever they need and to listen. A professional's job is to provide them with the appropriate support to hopefully move them beyond the immediate crisis of attempting to end their life and then to support the process of improving their quality of life and have the skills and strategies to maintain overall positive mental health.

There are a number of avenues to direct a person contemplating suicide and also for supportive friends and family. 

If you feel or are told that there is immediate danger to a person's life don't hesitate ringing the police and ambulance. If you feel no one is in immediate danger, lifeline and kids help line are available 24 hours a day.  Your GP can direct patient's to relevant health professionals like myself- a psychotherapist, psychologists, counsellors (if trained in this area) and psychiatrists.

My goal with this blog was to open up a conversation about suicide, remind you it is ok to talk to someone about suicide and hopefully empower you to feel like you can offer support to someone in this crisis.

Let's all look after each other.